4 Levels of Excuses to Pangseh

Based on genuine empirical studies on two live subjects.

Pangseh. Sometimes abbreviated as "ps"
Definition from talkingcock.com

"Pang Seh" is a Hokkien term which literally means "To Abandon". It is used to describe being stood up. A Pang Seh King is thus someone who habitually does not turn up for appointments.
1. "Wah lau, damn shy, man. Ah Lian on her wedding day kena pang seh by her husband."
2. "Wah lau, he damn pang seh king one, you still ask him to come for what?"

I found this from Google Images. A man died after being pangsehed.

Pangsehing is a common occurrence amongst friends of varying degrees, whether acquaintances or even close friends. This real-life empirical study will help the uninitiated get out of social appointments by learning from the experts in this field. I believe that these ideas should be shared, for Sir Isaac Newton proclaims, ‘If I have seen further than others it is because I have stood upon the shoulders of giants.’

Level 1 Excuse
The lowest of the excuses in terms of quality, this class of excuses consist of reasons that a primary school kid can think of. This is simply an adaptation of the famous adage, "The dog ate my homework."

Breaking down the sentence into its components, we can see the sentence structure is made as such:

[NOUN] + [VERB in past tense] + [REFERENCE TO SELF, usually a possessive adjective ] + [SOMETHING IMPORTANT]

This is followed by the conclusion that they cannot be present.

Illustration 1
A car [NOUN] knocked [VERB in past tense] my [REFERENCE TO SELF] homework [SOMETHING IMPORTANT]. Therefore, I can't join you guys.

Illustration 2
The chihuahua licked my external hard drive. Therefore, I can't join you guys.

Illustration 3
A memo appeared on my email. Therefore, I can't join you guys.

Of course, these illustrations are not meant to be exhaustive. It serves to highlight the simplicity of the excuses - the structure of the excuse is elementary at best, but the subject matter differs according to age.

Illustration 1 is probably made by a primary school kid, considering the importance he places on homework. Illustration 2 is probably from a secondary or JC kid who found the wonders of the external hard disk in sharing TV shows, movies, and music. Illustration 3 is probably from a university student at internship.

Advice:
Avoid these excuses at once. Unless you supplement it with the following Level 2 Excuse...

Level 2 Excuse
This advice is actually exploiting the effects of the Level 1 class of excuse. As mentioned above, it is only elementary at best - people can see through the excuse and would even think, "C'mon, you can come up with a better lie". You can turn the tables around and use this to your advantage by retorting that "Precisely because it is so lame that I would not use it as a lie."

Illustration
Desulyn-san: Konichiwa… A cat shat on my Louis Vuitton
Ah Neh: That's such a lame excuse….
Desulyn-san: Are you insulting my intelligence? Do you think I would give you such a lame excuse, considering how witty I am?

Oh shit, what a lame excuse.

 Advice:
Remember to follow through with the lie. If you say your cat shat on your Louis Vuitton, don't be seen carrying a clean Louis Vuitton - unless you are too atas and have several bags I guess...

Level 3 Excuse
The class of excuses are a valiant attempt at providing a serious reason to absent oneself from a gathering, guising as a valid reason that appeals to the inquirer's emotions or rationality. This may resemble a Level 1 Excuse, but the differences lie in (1) showing that you are already on your way to the appointment; and (2) attempting to appeal to your emotion and rationality.

Illustration 1
"I already planned by day according to this gathering, but when I found out that Person X is going, I decided not to. I do not like to be in the presence of people who are fake. I know you guys would like me there, but I am living up to my principle"

Illustration 2
"I already dressed up and all ready to leave my house, but then I heard my cat coughing. I went to check and found out that he swallowed a hairball! I had to bring him to the vet."

Illustration 3
"I was already at the MRT gantry but when I reached my pocket to grab my wallet, I realised it wasn't there. So I had to backtrack to find it. You guys go ahead. Have fun without me!"

The author would like to add that he nearly had to utilise Illustration 3 before. Fortunately, he was saved by other genuine intervening reasons (or really???).

Advice:
Keep the excuse within the bounds of your character. For instance, if you are someone who enjoys meeting new people, it would be unusual to say you dislike being in the presence of someone fake.

Level 4 Excuse
This excuse is truly ingenious. The author commends the inventor of this excuse for achieving this level. One must appreciate the evolution of excuses that led to the inventor inventing this reason. The inventor is known to be a serial pangseh, such that no subsequent plans were ever made factoring her in our plans (Oops, did I say 'her'?). Anyway, the inventor had exhausted all reasons in Levels 1 through 3 (eventhough they're not meant to be exhaustive). Having been made fun off for three years, the inventor was pushed to the corner, forced to come up with new reasons. As Plato said, "Necessity is the mother of inventions", this inventor overcame the challenge and came up with this new class of excuse.

I illustrate by way of a real-life excuse:

"Hey, I'm sorry I can't join you guys today. But we'll meet one to one next time k, and drinks is on me!"

Can you appreciate the quality of that excuse? It's truly beautiful… Amazing…

Analysing the excuse, we find the following structure:

[APOLOGY] + [PROMISE OF MEETING UP AT A MORE PERSONAL SETTING] + [FUTURE COMPENSATION]

I'm sorry I can't make it today. Let's eat this apple together tomorrow!

The person shows regret for not being able to join you, and then shows that they are still indeed very interested to meet up and so suggests an appointment for a future time. To make things better, they even incentivise you to meet up! But most importantly, you don't need to dispense with any reason! Notice how the excuse focuses your attention to the future, drawing your attention away from the failure of the current appointment.

Illustration 1
"Hey, apologies can't make it tonight. Next week I bring you there, bring you eat lamp chop"

Illustration 2
"Paiseh, today cannot siol… Friday we go Changi Village, I treat you zhi cha"

Illustration 3
"Hey guys… I'm so sorry about later. Nvm, tomorrow you in school? Buy you beer at Molley's tomorrow"

Advice:
Actually suggest a feasible timing in future, and a reasonably-priced compensation. Anything more than a week seems too speculative and forgettable. Anything cheap shows lack of seriousness, and too expensive just appears like a political candidate trying to win your vote.