Occupy SMU Library

While the 99% in New York is hogging Zucotti Park and surrounding areas, the 99% of arsehole students are hogging the study carrels at the SMU Library. Following two BBC reports that the Occupy Wall Street protest has been cleared (15 Nov & 16 Nov 2011), I wish the same could be said about the Occupy SMU Library movement currently happening at the study carrels.

Original Occupy Wall Street poster says "What is our one demand? #Occupy Wall Street, September 17th. Bring tent."

The BBC (15 Nov) reports:

The New York Times said that as the operation in Zuccotti Park began at about 01:00 (06:00 GMT), police gave an announcement, saying: "The city has determined that the continued occupation of Zuccotti Park poses an increasing health and fire safety hazard."

Meanwhile in Occupy SMU Library, which began since Week 1 Term 1 AY2011/2012, the Library has reminded students not to hog seats. They even put a CCTV shot of the culprits.

"Hogs sighted in the library. Cull them on sight"

Hogs
Hogs have been camping out at the study carrels. So we should eliminate them. And I'm an angry bird. They call me Big Eagle.

Hogs are hogging that hill

Orders to vacate the area
(15 Nov)

Occupants were told to "immediately remove all private property" and that they would be arrested if they interfered with the operation, said the notice. Any belongings left behind would be put into storage.

In Occupy SMU Library, messages and notes were placed by other students on the tables of hogs (yes, hogs. The animal) saying CLEAR YOUR STUFF WHEN YOU ARE AWAY. Acting on their stern notice, several students have chucked aside belongings.

Eh, with the shortage, people may just use that table to study. 

Resistance to law enforcement
(15 Nov)

Protesters were discussing regrouping at other sites including City Hall and Foley Park in lower Manhattan, and believe the manner of the clearance will only amplify their message, our correspondent adds.

Likewise in Occupy SMU Library, hogs emerged at other tables like moles popping out of the ground. They believe that continued resistance towards cultured and well-mannered use of the library will only amplify their message. Despite being personally told off by several students, they 'act blur look stim' and ignored us.

This is actually the second note I've written.

Raising it up to authorities
(15 Nov)

The city authorities and Mayor Michael Bloomberg have come under pressure from local businesses to shut down the camp, which has numbered about 200 occupants as it nears its two-month anniversary.

The ban on camping equipment will effectively put an end to people sleeping in the park, says our correspondent.

The library and the students' association have come under pressure students (such as yours truly) to curb this behaviour, which has numbered about 1.3 billion hogs as it nears the exam period. The ban on hogging will hopefully put an end to students hogging the study carrels. However, this effect has not been achieved.

Resurgence
(15 Nov)

However plans were already in place for an escalation of the protest on Thursday, marking the two-month anniversary, with a street carnival descenind [sic] on Wall Street in an attempt to shut it down.

However, plans to ratchet up the intensity of hogging has already taken place. Hogs now bring EXTRA bags and books to litter their reserved table so that other students would find it difficult to clear and would just leave the table alone.

Challenge accepted.

They are rightfully entitled to their personal bookshelf coz they paid school fees, while the rest of us didn't.

Sympathisers
(15 Nov)

Oakland police had said they sympathised with the protesters' cause, but urged them to "leave peacefully, with your heads held high, so we can get police officers back to work fighting crime in Oakland neighbourhoods".

Upon seeing other students desperately searching for a place to study, yours truly have told them that they are entitled and empowered to chuck the hogs' stuff away. However, some students sympathised with the hogs, and said they will just look for another place to study.

Freedom to hog?
(16 Nov)

At the New York Supreme Court, Justice Michael Stallman denied a motion brought by lawyers for the protesters, saying that rights guaranteed under the first amendment to the US constitution do not entitle them to camp out indefinitely in the plaza....Speaking after the judgement, New York's mayor said the rights of non-protesters were as important as the rights of those wanting to stay in the park. "The court's ruling vindicates our position that First Amendment rights do not include the right to endanger the public or infringe on the rights of others by taking over a public space with tents and tarps," Michael Bloomberg said in a statement.

As for the Occupy SMU Library, paying school fees does not entitle students to camp out indefinitely in the study carrels. The rights of other students who want to study are just as important as the hogs. Rights accrued by paying school fees do no include the right to deprive other students of a place to study by reserving study carrels with books and bags. 

Citizen journalism
(15 Nov)

Are you in New York? Were you part of the protest camp? Send your comments to the BBC using the form below.

Are you in SMU Library? Are you a hog? If yes, CLEAR YOUR STUFF AWAY, you inconsiderate prick. Otherwise, I would oblige you. And I will tell (and have told) people to just chuck your stuff away.

Are you a sympathiser? WHY!

Were you part of the students desperately looking for a place to study? Send your comments to the 84percent using the comment section below.


==
As mentioned above, I emailed the library and the students' association 3 times, and even spoke to the president of the students' association. I note the shortcomings that they face, and in no way am I disparaging them. I am pro-establishment and don't blame any and all societal problems on authorities.

Indeed, their hands are tied due to legitimacy and resource issues. So, I hope that students ourselves would tell those hogs to clear their stuff when they are away by leaving notes, or just confronting them upfront.

IF YOU NEED A TABLE, CLEAR AWAY THE HOGS' STUFF. 

Self-regulation FTW.

4 Levels of Excuses to Pangseh

Based on genuine empirical studies on two live subjects.

Pangseh. Sometimes abbreviated as "ps"
Definition from talkingcock.com

"Pang Seh" is a Hokkien term which literally means "To Abandon". It is used to describe being stood up. A Pang Seh King is thus someone who habitually does not turn up for appointments.
1. "Wah lau, damn shy, man. Ah Lian on her wedding day kena pang seh by her husband."
2. "Wah lau, he damn pang seh king one, you still ask him to come for what?"

I found this from Google Images. A man died after being pangsehed.

Pangsehing is a common occurrence amongst friends of varying degrees, whether acquaintances or even close friends. This real-life empirical study will help the uninitiated get out of social appointments by learning from the experts in this field. I believe that these ideas should be shared, for Sir Isaac Newton proclaims, ‘If I have seen further than others it is because I have stood upon the shoulders of giants.’

Level 1 Excuse
The lowest of the excuses in terms of quality, this class of excuses consist of reasons that a primary school kid can think of. This is simply an adaptation of the famous adage, "The dog ate my homework."

Breaking down the sentence into its components, we can see the sentence structure is made as such:

[NOUN] + [VERB in past tense] + [REFERENCE TO SELF, usually a possessive adjective ] + [SOMETHING IMPORTANT]

This is followed by the conclusion that they cannot be present.

Illustration 1
A car [NOUN] knocked [VERB in past tense] my [REFERENCE TO SELF] homework [SOMETHING IMPORTANT]. Therefore, I can't join you guys.

Illustration 2
The chihuahua licked my external hard drive. Therefore, I can't join you guys.

Illustration 3
A memo appeared on my email. Therefore, I can't join you guys.

Of course, these illustrations are not meant to be exhaustive. It serves to highlight the simplicity of the excuses - the structure of the excuse is elementary at best, but the subject matter differs according to age.

Illustration 1 is probably made by a primary school kid, considering the importance he places on homework. Illustration 2 is probably from a secondary or JC kid who found the wonders of the external hard disk in sharing TV shows, movies, and music. Illustration 3 is probably from a university student at internship.

Advice:
Avoid these excuses at once. Unless you supplement it with the following Level 2 Excuse...

Level 2 Excuse
This advice is actually exploiting the effects of the Level 1 class of excuse. As mentioned above, it is only elementary at best - people can see through the excuse and would even think, "C'mon, you can come up with a better lie". You can turn the tables around and use this to your advantage by retorting that "Precisely because it is so lame that I would not use it as a lie."

Illustration
Desulyn-san: Konichiwa… A cat shat on my Louis Vuitton
Ah Neh: That's such a lame excuse….
Desulyn-san: Are you insulting my intelligence? Do you think I would give you such a lame excuse, considering how witty I am?

Oh shit, what a lame excuse.

 Advice:
Remember to follow through with the lie. If you say your cat shat on your Louis Vuitton, don't be seen carrying a clean Louis Vuitton - unless you are too atas and have several bags I guess...

Level 3 Excuse
The class of excuses are a valiant attempt at providing a serious reason to absent oneself from a gathering, guising as a valid reason that appeals to the inquirer's emotions or rationality. This may resemble a Level 1 Excuse, but the differences lie in (1) showing that you are already on your way to the appointment; and (2) attempting to appeal to your emotion and rationality.

Illustration 1
"I already planned by day according to this gathering, but when I found out that Person X is going, I decided not to. I do not like to be in the presence of people who are fake. I know you guys would like me there, but I am living up to my principle"

Illustration 2
"I already dressed up and all ready to leave my house, but then I heard my cat coughing. I went to check and found out that he swallowed a hairball! I had to bring him to the vet."

Illustration 3
"I was already at the MRT gantry but when I reached my pocket to grab my wallet, I realised it wasn't there. So I had to backtrack to find it. You guys go ahead. Have fun without me!"

The author would like to add that he nearly had to utilise Illustration 3 before. Fortunately, he was saved by other genuine intervening reasons (or really???).

Advice:
Keep the excuse within the bounds of your character. For instance, if you are someone who enjoys meeting new people, it would be unusual to say you dislike being in the presence of someone fake.

Level 4 Excuse
This excuse is truly ingenious. The author commends the inventor of this excuse for achieving this level. One must appreciate the evolution of excuses that led to the inventor inventing this reason. The inventor is known to be a serial pangseh, such that no subsequent plans were ever made factoring her in our plans (Oops, did I say 'her'?). Anyway, the inventor had exhausted all reasons in Levels 1 through 3 (eventhough they're not meant to be exhaustive). Having been made fun off for three years, the inventor was pushed to the corner, forced to come up with new reasons. As Plato said, "Necessity is the mother of inventions", this inventor overcame the challenge and came up with this new class of excuse.

I illustrate by way of a real-life excuse:

"Hey, I'm sorry I can't join you guys today. But we'll meet one to one next time k, and drinks is on me!"

Can you appreciate the quality of that excuse? It's truly beautiful… Amazing…

Analysing the excuse, we find the following structure:

[APOLOGY] + [PROMISE OF MEETING UP AT A MORE PERSONAL SETTING] + [FUTURE COMPENSATION]

I'm sorry I can't make it today. Let's eat this apple together tomorrow!

The person shows regret for not being able to join you, and then shows that they are still indeed very interested to meet up and so suggests an appointment for a future time. To make things better, they even incentivise you to meet up! But most importantly, you don't need to dispense with any reason! Notice how the excuse focuses your attention to the future, drawing your attention away from the failure of the current appointment.

Illustration 1
"Hey, apologies can't make it tonight. Next week I bring you there, bring you eat lamp chop"

Illustration 2
"Paiseh, today cannot siol… Friday we go Changi Village, I treat you zhi cha"

Illustration 3
"Hey guys… I'm so sorry about later. Nvm, tomorrow you in school? Buy you beer at Molley's tomorrow"

Advice:
Actually suggest a feasible timing in future, and a reasonably-priced compensation. Anything more than a week seems too speculative and forgettable. Anything cheap shows lack of seriousness, and too expensive just appears like a political candidate trying to win your vote.

Zhng my bike

My landlord is nice enough to let me use his bicycle. Since he hasn't used it for years, I decided to zhng it up using my own money (since I'll be the only one using it anyways).

So this is how my bike looked at first.

It even has a seat for Pedobear at the back!

I decided that since I've finally grown up, I should zhng my bicycle to be fit for an uncle.

What are my uncle needs?

1. Cycle to nearby wantan mee stall. I need my wantan mee + coffee every morning. Mm-mm-mmmhm
2. Buy groceries and cycle back - osteoporosis is kicking in. And laziness.

So, being new to this area, I didn't know where to find a bicycle shop nearby. So I googled "Pedra Branca bicycle shop" and I found several shops nearby. I decided to window shop. Spent about 3 hours cycling to 3 shops back and forth comparing prices coz SGD1 = RM2.45 which is A LOT. I guess these days I have to pick up coins I find on the floor, and can't donate much... Freaking exchange rate.

In other news, do contribute to the Help Paul Fund.


Anyways, so I bought some accessories to zhng my bike.

First, the bell. Dayyumn, I love this bell! So cute! I can choose to remove the sticker, but NO the sticker is too damned cute I'm going to leave it there!

Awww... Paul <3 his bike... how sweet

Next, the basket to keep my barang-barang from supermarket.

Third, I zhng the brake pads. Previous brake pads damn scary, can skid like 3m before coming to a halt. Also bought new tyres coz the inner tube burst.

I haven't bought the blinking light thingies for night cycling yet.

But thus far, this is how my bike looks after zhng-ing it! My Harley Davidson.

Unfortunately, this is not the 'Davidson' that I want (CRYPTIC!!!)

Am going to start my neighbourhood Bicycle Mat Rempit! Because cycling is so fun, the next logical thing to do is to start doing bicycle stunts.

3 Reasons Why Living Alone Is Scary

I've been renting a room alone for the past year, and will be doing so for the coming academic year. And will continue doing so until I settle down. I prefer staying alone, renting an apartment with complete strangers instead of living with friends coz of our differing preferences and life plans.

No, that's not me. I googled "living alone" and found this image.

But the tradeoff is that I live with complete strangers who don't care about me (and likewise me them). We care inasmuch as not slamming our doors, blasting music so loud, washing our plates, don't clog up the toilet bowl, and don't moo daeng each other. I guess we're cool with each other like that.

Still, in times of need, who am I going to turn to? My friends, even the closest, I hope, would come to my rescue IF AND ONLY IF they knew that something even happened to me at the first place.

If I don't return my messages, it could only mean that I am still sleeping, or ignoring them (which I do a lot, sorry), but rarely would anyone think that misfortune befell their friends. Likewise, me them. It's not a good thought to begin to suspect that your friends got Human Centipeded, got moo daeng-ed, or fell ill.

Here are my 3 greatest fears of living alone.

#1 I might be captured and turned into a Human Centipede
This thought was triggered when I had a nightmare that I was about to be turned into a Human Centipede. Not to worry, in that dream I fought the sick doctor and stabbed his brains using a scalpel through his eye sockets. When I woke up from the dream, I thought I saw the sick doctor looking at me from the corner of my room.

To date, we still do not understand the psyche of those 4 male law students who voluntarily simulated a Human Centipede.

Still, it was a good dream.

#2 Moo daeng

My mum asked me to watch the Thai horror/thriller movie "Meat Grinder" about a stall owner who kills humans and uses their meat for their noodles. Thanks Momma Yap! Love you for putting this idea into my head.

"Sir, here's your MOO DAENG NOODLES with BRATWURST (if you know what I mean keekee)!"

Someone could just kidnap me and chop me into pieces and make moo daeng out of me.

#3 Needa settle everything myself if I'm sick

On a serious note, this is really the shittiest reason to live alone. When I'm sick, I have to walk to the nearby food court, dar pao the porridge, walk back, eat alone, wash up, and uhm just continue being sick.

This post is not a call for help. I've been sick several times and it's nice to know that there are people who are willing to help. But everyone else has their lives to attend to. Momma Yap always says  "If you're sick, I will come down ASAP" but it's really not practical coz by the time she settles her trip down to Singapore, I would've recovered already.

Also it's because I have Panadol in my room. Panadol > mother coming down to pamper me.

==
On a side note, why do some guys like to Alpha Male each other? And why do some girls like to Alpha Bitch each other too?

"You coward chicken shit"

Memoirs of a foreigner who did not serve in Singapore's National Service.

"

With the whole 2011 General Elections hoohaa about foreigners being a source of Singapore's problems, some opposition supporters got a bit carried away. In no way am I discussing the merits of certain opposition parties' manifesto. I am highlighting how xenophobic some Singaporeans can be, and how I was personally verbally attacked by a Singaporean adult. Let's just call him Mr X.

Mr X once came up to me and asked, "Do you know my background?"

This Mr X was open about his political alignment. As a proud supporter of the opposition in Aljunied, he championed the Worker's Party manifesto. Many people do, and I respect their views although I might not necessarily agree with it. I did have several fruitful discussions with opposition supporters on their political stand. Despite knowing that their stand could necessarily have implications on foreigners in future, we still managed to have a fruitful discussion. Knowing full well that I am a foreigner, they did not make offensive personal remarks against the likes of me.

You would least expect a law graduate, much less an adult, to have utter disregard for civility in political discourse.

Mr X confronted me one day, demanding to know why I don't wanna serve NS. He then proceeded to call me a "coward" and "chicken shit" for not wanting to serve NS. He said foreigners are here just to take Singaporeans' money, and that we don't care about Singapore and should leave the country.

"You coward chicken shit"

I immediately told him off. I told him that he should listen to the nonsense he's spouting, and that I felt ashamed and embarrassed for him, a full grown educated adult talking to a young person in this manner.

Interesting character, Mr X is. 

Despite this, I do not regard Singaporeans any differently. I am grateful for the friends and their families who have helped me all these years - be it inviting over for dinner, offering a place to stay, or just simply seeing me as a friend and not a foreigner.

In all this, Mr X never once bothered to listen to my views and understand where I'm coming from. He seemed more interested in insulting foreigners more than anything.

At this moment, here's why I don't serve NS.

#1 There is nothing requiring me to serve NS

I am a full-fledged foreigner in Singapore. I hold the Malaysian passport, with the student pass. I am paying foreigner's fees, renting a room on my own, agreeing to serve the 3-year bond in return for my education subsidy.

The law doesn't require a foreigner to serve NS. Until that day comes, I will not voluntarily apply for PR-ship and serve 2 years of NS. I could also still choose to maintain my foreigner status in Singapore while living and working here, and it is perfectly legal. There is nothing wrong with a foreigner wishing to maintain his foreigner status, and not being eligible for subsidies and whatnot. Several of my Malaysian seniors are doing just that, and they are living in Singapore, loving it more than their own homecountry. 

On Singapore's terms, I am serving my part of the bargain. If anyone has dissatisfaction with the amount of subsidy that foreign students are receiving, the proper channel for feedback is whatever feedback channels you have (I don't know - not my country what...), and not to tell it straight up to foreigners.  Sure, there are valid concerns. But the hell can we do about it???

#2 My family is not in Singapore

My entire family is in Kuala Lumpur. I am living here alone. There are 3 implications.

First, I would be committing too much to a foreign country. At this young age, why should I entrench myself in Singapore? I will still serve the 3 year obligation period from my education subsidy. After that, I still intend to live in Singapore in future, but it still only remain as tentative plans. It's really too soon to commit to anything at my age. Some people ask "Oh look at the WP candidate who voluntarily served NS". I ask, "Wasn't his family here with him in Singapore?".

(Also, I notice an irony. On the one hand, some Singaporeans send their kids overseas under full-foreigner status, with no plans of remaining there. On the other hand, they expect foreigners to commit and remain in Singapore at such a young age)

 Second, don't you think that if ever Malaysia and Singapore goes to war, I sure as hell would not want fight for Singapore. Why would I help the army that could potentially risk the lives of my family? It's even worse for those Johor boys who served NS - the first place Singapore would attack would be JB. The hell the JB boys wanna fight for Singapore?!?!?! This is something many Singaporean guys can relate to. When I ask them why would they bear arms, they said it's mostly for their family. If their family migrated overseas, there would be less motivation to fight for the country.

In fact, we foreigners probably be rounded up in concentration camps, like them Japs were back in California after the Pearl Harbour bombing. But sure, Singapore and Malaysia would never go to war so this isn't about family security anymore. I then move to my third point.

Singapore and Malaysia are so close, the plane doesn't even move on the world map on the flight from KL to Changi.

Thirdly, I am renting a room alone in Singapore. If I were to serve NS, where would I go when I book out? Mr X remarked, "Just rent a room for yourself for the weekends then". Seriously, dude? Spend $700 a month just to get a bed for 1 or 2 nights over the weekend? Are you listening to yourself? Of course there are some foreigners who stay in camp. I applaud them. But that's because they need the PR status.


==
I didn't serve NS. I probably never will. As long it is not required under law, I will not do it and remain a full-fledged foreigner.

You can sulk all you want for serving those 2 years. Life is unfair like that. There is a whole lot of things that foreigners have to experience in a foreign land, and many of us are filling that end of the bargain fairly. 

Some Singaporeans should put themselves in the shoes of a foreigner, appreciate the circumstances we are in, before demanding that we serve NS should we wish to live here. Given that my family is not in Singapore, that the law does not require me to do NS, that I don't need PR-ship, does it make sense to do NS voluntarily? In a simple poll I did on my Singaporean friends, all said 'No'.

I spent the past 11 years in Singapore. I practically grew up here. I am very fond of Singapore. I often dream that my family is here with me in Singapore. Just the other day, I was trolling this Malaysian teenager on Facebook for taking jabs at Singapore. He called Singapore 'Lousypore' because 'lousypore has to drink recycled shit water.. pity them..'. I took the liberty to troll him for the entire day coz of his anti-Singapore remarks. 

I now turn to a related issue.

Are foreign men any less a man for not serving NS?

I might not know how to use your SAR 21 variants. But I can shoot a pistol better than you.

On a side note, it is unfair to tell a foreigner that he is any less a man for not knowing how to operate a rifle, sing army songs, or understand military communications. It's just taking cheap shots. We simply didn't get the training you did (because we are not required to - see above). I have 2 Singaporean male friends who constantly rub it in that I did not serve NS. So one day in Thailand, we went to a shooting range. We shot a few pistol rounds. 1 of the Singaporean missed several shots. So much for arms training at NS.

Sure, maybe you didn't train with handguns. Still, a Malaysian CIVILIAN got good shots, while you MISSED?!?!?! Something wrong there, right?

Then, when asked to guess which target belongs to the Malaysian, a Singaporean girl chose the one with the worst aim. Turned out the Malaysian CIVILIAN had several headshots, with all shots on target. The target with the worse aim belonged to a Singaporean. It's a pity that a Malaysian CIVILIAN has a better aim then some military-trained Singaporeans.

On another occasion, 3 Singaporean men attempted to climb Mount Kinabalu with a Malaysian. The Malaysian scaled down the mountain effortlessly, even sprinting the final stretch, reaching the end point ahead of the Singaporeans who throughout the trip kept harping on the fact that the Malaysian did not serve NS and is therefore weak. One of the Singaporeans needed 2 walking sticks, and took 1.5 hours longer to reach the bottom.

Singaporeans, don't look down on foreign men merely for the fact that we didn't do NS. If you wanna look down on us, at least find a proper ground to do so, please ;D Don't use the NS card to establish dominance over foreign men. Eh, got this one Malaysian CIVILIAN can shoot pistol better than your military-trained men. Don't challenge this Malaysian in a mountain - he'd headshot you and sprint up and down the mountain faster than you!

And for cow's sake, just because you were stationed at an airbase during NS doesn't mean you flew a plane.

2 ways to know you're not delusional

I recently had a very disturbing conversation with my friend... or to be precise, a 'friend'. I could very well be hallucinating a lot of events and people in my life.

Before I proceed, this is NOT some emo nutcase post, that because of certain events in my life, I have turned into an emo nutcase, unlike some fucking asshole who spread that I started smoking after falling into depression - I do not smoke, and I was never depressed. Fuck you, asshole who spread this rumour. No surprises why I treat you this way.

I was having dinner with a friend one night. I decided to stir some shit by convincing him that his girlfriend is an imaginary person coz I've never seen her before. Also, that she is actually a female manifestation of this other close friend of his. So he actually loves this guy friend, and when he is dating his girlfriend, he's actually snuggling it out with this guy, perceiving that he is a girl.

Even he was convinced that it could be true!

Imagine a guy thinks he's hugging a girl and stuff, then he receives a text message from the girl asking "Why haven't you reply my SMS for so long?". And then he wonders, "Am I not snuggling with this girl?" He looks up and sees a hairy Indian man in front of him, lips pursed to receive a kiss.

***cue Black Swan music "Perfection"***

YUCK!

Faggots!

...but then, an incidental question arose. How do I know that the friend I'm having this conversation with is real? How do I know I'm not delusional? I could just have been sitting there eating alone and talking to thin air!

I think I'm sitting with somebody...

But I'm actually sitting alone...

Freaky.

The subconscious is powerful enough to maintain and utilize random pieces of information to create an elaborate perceived reality for your mind. Think Fight Club.

So, after convincing myself that I could be delusional, I've thought of 2 tests to determine it.

#1 Find memories that you would never know but for that alleged imaginary friend. This could indicate that your friend is real

Recall any place that you would not find by yourself, but only if that imaginary friend brought you there. Recall any piece of information that you would not know by yourself, like some random case or a point of law in an area of law that you have never read before, which your imaginary friend told you. The fact that you know these things which you by yourself would not discover is indicative that your imaginary friend is indeed real.

E.g. my imaginary friend once brought me to a random mamak stall in a random HDB estate. Since our walk there was direct and purposive, not one of random adventure bashing through the HDB estate, it is a strong indication that my imaginary friend is indeed a real person.

No way my subconscious can navigate through that to find a particular mamak stall.

#2 In doubt, bring your imaginary friend to gatherings with other friends.

If you have a friend that only you know of, you may find yourself squarely in the delusional category. You may dispel this by introducing your imaginary friend to a group of friends. If you are not delusional, then the group would indeed see your friend. If you are delusional, it is highly likely that someone in the group would tell you that you are a nutcase. The bigger the group, the better.

This is probably why someone put his girlfriend on the phone, just to show to others that she exists and can speak fluent English. 

This is however contingent on the fact that you do have other friends who are real too...

My 'girlfriend' says she doesn't like you, dude.

==
Okay, gtg. Next blog post will be about my nightmare that I was nearly a HUMAN CENTIPEDE! In the meanwhile, the guy in the mirror is waving and smiling at me. Will go chat with him.

2 Weapons to Fight A Zombie

Here's to taking a break from completing 2 law research papers in 4 weeks, with a third coming up.

==
A new zombie videogame 'Dead Island' is coming out soon. In what was predominantly an emotionless genre, the zombie genre has slowly began to take the turn on emotional play: The Walking Dead cf. Left 4 Dead, 28 Weeks Later.



Sad... The poor parents, tried to save their little girl who got bitten, turned out the little girl turns into a zombie and bites the dad, while the wife gets owned by a bunch of zombies. 

In a zombie apocalypse, how can one protect oneself from a horde of zombies? I thought of 2 cool tools to kill time while you await the army to come wipe the zombies out. Notice I didn't say 'kill zombies' coz they're already dead...

Also, this would only apply to the slow moving zombies, not the fast run like hell Usain Bolt zombies.

#1 STEAM IRON

This idea was taken from a real dream I had. 

Especially in Asian countries where grille doors and fences imprison ourselves within our own homes, it serves as a very good cordon against them slow zombies. Imagine them slow zombies sticking their arms through the grille or fence, trying to grab hold of you. But of course all you needa do is take a few steps back and make funny faces at them. So, what should you do while you kill time waiting for the army to eradicate them?

Take a steam iron and burn their arms!

How would you like your human meat done? Well done, medium, or rotten?

So yeah, if you're a man you can be Iron Man...

"I wear my uber cool war suit, but I use a steam iron to burn them zombie arms for the fun of it"

...and if you're a woman you can be Iron Woman.

"I'm hotter than the steaming iron!"

#2 BAG OVER THEM HEADS

The main thing that zombies are looking for is food. And they also spread their zombie shit disease by biting. One simple solution is to simply prevent them from using them mouths...

...better still, blind them! So not only that they can't bite, they also can't even see their food!

Killings 2 birds with 1 stone.

Grab a gunny sack and some rope. When them slow zombies come at you, just cover their heads and tie the gunny sack in a dead knot. To add to the fun, you may draw smileys on them gunny sacks!

Wikileaks reveals the identity of Santa Claus & Tooth Fairy

Hackers submitted to Wikileaks sensitive information pertaining the identity of Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. Their modus operandi was spying on parents every night (is that legal to begin with?). But of course, in the spirit of keeping governments open, who cares that our sources must be legal when illegal activites are conducted by the governments anyway... C'mon, who are we kidding, right?

So why do this? Simple. How can we trust our parents, some of whom work for the government, when they can't even tell their kids the truth? It starts from home.

===
PARENTS DIARY

Throughout our childhood lives, we were led to believe that Santa Claus really exists, while the Tooth Fairy is actually our parents putting money under our pillow. This conspiracy must be put to an end. We believe this needs to change.

LEAK #1: Santa Claus' real identity

"Luke, I am not your father"

Source: Wikileak stalke... I mean, Professional Private Investigator
Date: 24 December 2002
Location: Undisclosed neighbourhood in the USA

Audio log start
2351hrs: Approaching target. Target in sight. Mounting night vision stalke.. I mean telescope. Scouting the dark skies over this neighbourhood for a man in red and reindeers. In the meanwhile, I shall just take a little peek at that family.

2352hrs: I see the kid's bedroom lights turned off. Father and mother walk into the hallway. Approaching staircase. Walks down.

2354hrs: Still no sign of Santa Claus in the sky.

2356hrs: Mother enters store room. Takes out a black bag. Sets it by the Christmas tree. Father joins her. 

2358hrs: Still no sign of Santa Claus. Hmph.. maybe he's busy with another neighbourhod.

2359hrs: HEY, WHAT ARE THE MOTHER AND FATHER DOING?! They're taking gifts out of the black bag and putting them into the Christmas stockings lined along the Christmas tree! That's not for them to do! That's Santa's job!

0000hrs: Midnight. Still no sign of Santa Claus and his rein deers. 

0002hrs: I'm receiving similar observations from the household beside. Wait, there, and there, and there! Hold on, it's the entire neighbourhood!

0003hrs: Oh. My. Gosh. Santa Claus doesn't exist. PARENTS are the ones who put those gifts into the Christmas sock. The world must know about this. 

0054hrs: Does this mean that the gifts I received when I was a kid was never by Santa Claus too? -sobs-

0212hrs: Hi Boss Man. Hey it's me. I got new surveillance. The Santa Clause task that you gave me, yeah. Got video footage that Santa Claus is actually PARENTS. This global hoax must come to light. The rumour that Santa Claus rides his rein deers to houses, slides down chimneys and all IS A HOAX. By the way, remember to use a condom when you sleep with that Swedish girl.

LEAK #2: Tooth Fairy's real identity

"I am real. But sometimes I work late at the office, sometimes I'm male, sometimes I'm female"

Source: Wikileak audio bug, planted in a car
Date: Circa 2001
Location: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

Audio stalk... I mean, audio log, starts:

Little girl: How come whenever my tooth drop and when I put it under my pillow, the next morning I have money?

Mother: The tooth fairy - who else?

Little girl: Hmph... but how come it coincides with the time that Pa is back home? When he goes back to UK, I don't get money.

Mother: Maybe because the Tooth Fairy has to give money to Pa's fallen tooth also... The Tooth Fairy has to travel a lot

Little girl: Oh... I thought the Tooth Fairy was Pa.

Mother: No lah...

REPORT: My initial suspicion that the Tooth Fairy was the father of this family has been proven wrong. Based on the mother's revelations, it is true that the Tooth Fairy really exists, and that it could only be at one place at any one time. The world ought to know this.

NOTE TO BOSS MAN: The world gotta know about this man... The Tooth Fairy is REAL. The rumour that it is actually our parents IS A HOAX. By the way, remember to use a condom when you sleep with that Swedish girl.

 ===
Spread these stories to everyone else! The truth must prevail! How can the government expect us to trust them when they as parents can't even tell the kids the truth! 

KEEP THEM STRONG! 

They need all the help they can get.

How do you measure a man?

Of the many crude jokes we could make out of that question (yeah, I bet first thing you thought was 'inches'), I for one believe that what measures a man is the video below:

Ross Allen wrestling a 20 foot Anaconda... UNDER-FUCKING-WATER!


What. The Man.

**standing ovation, my head tilted an angle, while shaking my head in approval of his manliness**

Thanks a lot, and you're welcome.

Awesome.